JUST RELAX!!! [And maybe your FSH will go down]: Things to Never Say to an Infertile Couple

If your'e asking yourself

What the heck is FSH? I rest my case.

If you aren't well-versed in all the medical terminology and the cycles of the human reproductive system...

Or if you aren't familiar with the THOUSANDS of acronyms that only someone in the infertile subculture would know, then

CHANCES ARE

you don't have the answers to your friend's infertility struggle.

Don't get me wrong, I get it [through grace and experience alone] that you are trying to help.  

I've been there.  Before my infertility journey began, I had friends and acquaintances who had difficulty getting pregnant.  I am guilty of telling them the same things that can unknowingly crush the spirit of an infertile.

Infertile people experience the grief of losing something they never had.

Notice the conflict?

How can you lose something you never had?

And that is what sets the grief of infertility apart.  It is hard for others to understand the grief of the loss of something someone never had in the first place.  Therefore, the grief of infertility is mostly experienced inwardly by the affected person.  

And so it is lonely.  Very lonely.

We often cling to the intangible:

hope, dreams, desires, faith, perseverance.

The intangible is what sees us through the loss of the tangible:

a positive pregnancy test, a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby.

In fact, one of my good friends with a history of infertility and I laughed today about how no one inspects toilet paper as much as an infertile woman!  So true!

And I cannot put into words the feeling an infertile woman feels when she sees the crimson reminder that she has once again lost the chance of having the one thing for which she would give anything.

Now that I have let you peek into the soul of an infertile woman, I leave you with this:

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TOP THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO AN INFERTILE WOMAN

(things infertile women have heard [and thought] a million times)

JUST RELAX!

You would never say this to a cancer patient, so don't say it to us.  Infertility involves a disruption in the normal function of one of the body's systems.  And I can assure you there is no vacation relaxing enough to regulate hormones or thicken an endometrial lining.

IF IT'S GOD'S WILL IT WILL HAPPEN

Saying such things could potentially make the infertile woman feel as if they are inadequate in the eyes of God.   For, why would God allow others to get pregnant and not me?  

Am I doing something wrong?  Is God punishing me?  

Does He think I won't be a good mother?  

We just want your prayers.  Let us know that you pray for us!!

JUST QUIT TRYING AND IT WILL HAPPEN

I know your dear Aunt Sally said this worked for her.  But, I will never stop trying.  And if I ever stop trying, I will let you know.  And I'd love it you respected that decision. 

YOU CAN BORROW ONE OF MY KIDS!

We love your children.  But, don't.  Just don't.  

JUST GET REALLY DRUNK ONE NIGHT!  IT WORKED FOR MY FRIEND!

To my medical knowledge, intoxication will not regulate my hormones and stimulate my ovaries.  But thank you, anyways.

JUST ADOPT!  YOU WILL PROBABLY GET PREGNANT ONCE YOU ADOPT!

I can tell you that the majority of us support the idea of adoption.  But if we haven't mentioned the "A" word to you, don't say it first.  Because, we are likely holding out for the chance that we can conceive a child of our own.  We know adoption is an option.  But we also know it won't make our bodies cooperate with us.  Plus, some of us have already spent THOUSANDS on infertility treatments.  So our pocketbooks may be a little thin.

UGH I'M SO DONE BEING PREGNANT!

Beware to whom you utter these words!  An infertile woman would spend 100 years being pregnant if she could.  

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If you're left wondering what in the world TO say to an infertile person....well that's a good question. 

I will tell you this: from my experience, NO WORDS ever made it better. 

But I will also tell you this: infertile people WANT and NEED to talk about it!  

We need your ears and your nods of understanding.  

We need your sincere hugs.  We need your prayers.

And sometimes, we just need your silence while we weep on your shoulder.

But most of all, we NEED you to NOT tell us to

JUST RELAX!

TO EVERYTHING: TURN, TURN, TURN

There is a season, turn, turn, turn...

Tonight I wept.  

I wept for a million reasons known, and a million unknown.

As Jacob and I enjoyed this beautiful weather today, we pretended to be pirates. 

Make believe with my child!!  The child I had wanted for so long...

It's such a humbling experience seeing the world through the eyes of a child.

I've been reading a book entitled "Boys Should Be Boys".  It explains how we should allow boys to just BE BOYS.  I really think there is no explaining what this means. You get the idea....scrapes on knees, broken bones, just pure dirty "boy-ness".  The kind of "boy-ness" that makes a boy become a man you can be proud you raised.

So, in my inspiration to partake in the adventures of boyhood, I decided to be Captain Mommy.  Jacob quite appropriately dubbed himself
"Pirate Jacob Robert Tyson."  

And so we spent the afternoon in dirty-kneed pirate-ness.  We played it well.  And I'm pretty sure he loved me all the more for it.
Mommy getting dirty with him and talking like a pirate??!!?

What little boy could ask for more?

"Argggghhhh, Matey Jacob!!"

"Arggggghhh, Matey Mommy!!"

And then....I got a text from my wonderful mother-in-law.  The woman responsible for raising the wonderful man that is my husband and the father of our son.  Her text was in response to a series of pictures I had posted on Facebook about our Pirate Day...

Oh my goodness!!!  
Those pics remind me of when Jeremy was that age, and we would play in the backyard all the time!

That text stuck with me all day. 

Because, I knew that 30 years down the road, I would remember this special pirate day.

And I thought to myself, "I hope Jacob remembers this pirate day."

Later this evening I told Jeremy how I just don't want Jacob to grow up.  I mean, I had spent all this time praying and hoping for this special baby.  And this "baby" was growing right before my very eyes. He would one day grow up, go to college, marry another woman.  I wept at the thought that he could love another woman more than his mommy.

Yes, I know it is the way God intends it: for a man to leave his family and cleave to his wife.

But, a momma CAN CRY about it!  (Thankyouverymuch)

**I PROMISE, FUTURE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW, I'm normal and all boy mommas have cried about it!**

I wept on my husband's shoulders.
He laughed at first, possibly thinking this must be crazy, emotional woman talk.
 But as I continued to weep on his chest he just quietly held me.

I wept for a million reasons...

My baby is growing up.  MY BABY.  I never thought I'd ever utter the words "my baby."

Then I thought of my infertility struggle.  The endless emotions and pain.

And NOW our desire to have another baby puts us at risk for all the scary emotions that go along with it.

Then I thought of my friends who would give anything for a baby.

It's not fair.  Life just isn't fair sometimes. 

There.  I said it. 

Why is it that a couple that would make the BEST parents in the world can't have a child of their own?  These are thoughts I also had when I was struggling to get pregnant.

WHY can't we have the answers?

Then, I kept hearing the Lord's voice in my spirit whispering.....

IT'S A SEASON, MELISSA.


Our pain is for a season.
Every part of life we experience: a SEASON.

This child for whom I longed to have will only be under my guidance and protection for: a SEASON.  

Jesus' life on Earth to show us the way to the Father: a SEASON.

A SEASON

By pure definition of the word, a verse from Ecclesiastes in the Bible states it perfectly.
There is a time for everything under the heavens...

There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under the heavens:

a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,

a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

~ Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

A season, my friends.  It's a season.