Thursday, March 26, 2015

JUST RELAX!!! [And maybe your FSH will go down]: Things to Never Say to an Infertile Couple

If your'e asking yourself

What the heck is FSH? I rest my case.

If you aren't well-versed in all the medical terminology and the cycles of the human reproductive system...

Or if you aren't familiar with the THOUSANDS of acronyms that only someone in the infertile subculture would know, then

CHANCES ARE

you don't have the answers to your friend's infertility struggle.

Don't get me wrong, I get it [through grace and experience alone] that you are trying to help.  

I've been there.  Before my infertility journey began, I had friends and acquaintances who had difficulty getting pregnant.  I am guilty of telling them the same things that can unknowingly crush the spirit of an infertile.

Infertile people experience the grief of losing something they never had.
Notice the conflict?
How can you lose something you never had?

And that is what sets the grief of infertility apart.  It is hard for others to understand the grief of the loss of something someone never had in the first place.  Therefore, the grief of infertility is mostly experienced inwardly by the affected person.  

And so it is lonely.  Very lonely.

We often cling to the intangible:
hope, dreams, desires, faith, perseverance.

The intangible is what sees us through the loss of the tangible:
a positive pregnancy test, a healthy pregnancy, a healthy baby.

In fact, one of my good friends with a history of infertility and I laughed today about how no one inspects toilet paper as much as an infertile woman!  So true!

And I cannot put into words the feeling an infertile woman feels when she sees the crimson reminder that she has once again lost the chance of having the one thing for which she would give anything.

Now that I have let you peek into the soul of an infertile woman, I leave you with this:

____________________________________

TOP THINGS TO NEVER SAY TO AN INFERTILE WOMAN
(things infertile women have heard [and thought] a million times)

JUST RELAX!
You would never say this to a cancer patient, so don't say it to us.  Infertility involves a disruption in the normal function of one of the body's systems.  And I can assure you there is no vacation relaxing enough to regulate hormones or thicken an endometrial lining.

IF IT'S GOD'S WILL IT WILL HAPPEN
Saying such things could potentially make the infertile woman feel as if they are inadequate in the eyes of God.   For, why would God allow others to get pregnant and not me?  
Am I doing something wrong?  Is God punishing me?  
Does He think I won't be a good mother?  
We just want your prayers.  Let us know that you pray for us!!

JUST QUIT TRYING AND IT WILL HAPPEN
I know your dear Aunt Sally said this worked for her.  But, I will never stop trying.  And if I ever stop trying, I will let you know.  And I'd love it you respected that decision. 

YOU CAN BORROW ONE OF MY KIDS!
We love your children.  But, don't.  Just don't.  

JUST GET REALLY DRUNK ONE NIGHT!  IT WORKED FOR MY FRIEND!
To my medical knowledge, intoxication will not regulate my hormones and stimulate my ovaries.  But thank you, anyways.

JUST ADOPT!  YOU WILL PROBABLY GET PREGNANT ONCE YOU ADOPT!
I can tell you that the majority of us support the idea of adoption.  But if we haven't mentioned the "A" word to you, don't say it first.  Because, we are likely holding out for the chance that we can conceive a child of our own.  We know adoption is an option.  But we also know it won't make our bodies cooperate with us.  Plus, some of us have already spent THOUSANDS on infertility treatments.  So our pocketbooks may be a little thin.

UGH I'M SO DONE BEING PREGNANT!
Beware to whom you utter these words!  An infertile woman would spend 100 years being pregnant if she could.  
________________________________________


If you're left wondering what in the world TO say to an infertile person....well that's a good question. 

I will tell you this: from my experience, NO WORDS ever made it better. 

But I will also tell you this: infertile people WANT and NEED to talk about it!  

We need your ears and your nods of understanding.  

We need your sincere hugs.  We need your prayers.

And sometimes, we just need your silence while we weep on your shoulder.

But most of all, we NEED you to NOT tell us to
JUST RELAX!









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